Leave
by Sstala
Summary: When Sam is heavily wounded, she leaves behind a note for Janet (this is my first fanfiction; please leave constructive comments :))


"I will not leave you behind !" I almost screamed; I wish I could keep my voice calm.  
My heart was racing like crazy; I don't know why; normally I have a focused mind in these conditions; a steady method of working. But now … only these words could come out, with a frantic tickle in my voice.  
I was sitting kneeled beside her, putting pressure on the wound the staffblast had caused at her abdomen. I felt like I never saw so much blood on one person, but I guess my mind was screwing with me. It was _hér_. That made it all different…

We lost radio contact with her after a series of bombs dropped by the enemy; she was off scouting through the area, checking out the surroundings of the village. She was always so ecstatic about the way the people of a planet lived, the technology they possessed; she shared this kind of enthusiasm with Daniel.  
One moment everything was quiet, the next we were hiding from the shooting and the bombs. Enemies were crawling over the hills towards us; I heard shots, screams and yells. People calling for help; wounded everywhere. My medical brain kicked in and I started treating them.  
"Teal'c, dial Earth immediately! We can't stay here" I heard O'Neill yelling. An instant later, the event horizon was trilling at the rhythm of the bombs.  
"Doc, we need to go! Grab your gear and let's go!" O'Neill's voice was pounding in my ear  
"But sir, I just can't … " He cut me off. "No arguing Doc! Let's move!"  
I knew it's was just useless; the wounded were to severe; I had to move before I got shot myself.  
I ran towards the gate, trying to maneuver between bombs and staffblasts; witch was actually not as easy as the trained soldiers made it look, I thought. Random thoughts.  
I was almost ready to jump trough, when I heard O'Neill's voice from further away. "Doc!"  
I turned around on my heels, trying to located him. He was crunched behind a rock, gesturing at me to come closer. I ducked and started running towards him. My breath got caught by the tension of the fireing, but I made it to safety.  
As soon as I dropped beside him, he lowered his voice, like no one should hear him.  
"Doc, I lost all radio contact with Carter. She's not responding and not nearby; we have to go look for her; she might be hurt"  
His eyes darkened with worry, I could see that; he would never admit it, but he cared a big deal about Sam. I nodded, trying to keep my nerves under control. "I'll follow your lead sir"  
For a moment he stared in my eyes and then head out.

The terrain was rough, almost impossible to scoot through under heavy fire. _I really need to train more_; I was out of breath, but the thought of losing a valuable member of the team, kicked up adrenaline.  
We found her laying on her back, on an open spot between some trees and big rocks. Her hand to her stomach; covered in blood. She was still awake, but in a lot of pain.  
I kneeled on her left side, O'Neill on her right; he took of his jacket and put it under her head, so she would lay at least a bit comfortable.  
I took her hand of the wound and froze for a moment. That was really a nasty wound; the blood poured out.  
I caught O'Neill's eye; stared for just a little while.  
"Sir, we need to move her … I can't help her here. She needs to be operated"  
"Doc, we are under heavy fire; can't you do something?"  
I sighed and started searching my brain, poking thoughts and scanning through all my medical training, but came up empty.

I shook my head. "We really need to move her."  
"This is too dangerous. There are too many of them to guide her safely towards the Gate."  
I could almost see the panic in his eyes; this conversation was going nowhere and he knew it.  
"Guys …" her voice was small, barely auditable. She took a deep breath, clearly in pain.  
"Guys … leave me here" A couple of shallow breaths this time.  
O'Neill's eyes locked on Sam's "I do not leave teammates behind Captain; we'll find a way".  
Sam turned her head towards me "Janet …"  
I didn't want to hear what she was going to say, because I knew I was not going to like it.  
Again, she took a couple of shallow breaths. "Janet …"  
Before she could finish her sentence I snapped "I will not leave you behind!"  
She was startled. A moment of silence. She focused back on O'Neill, feeling she was losing this word battle with me. "Sir, you … you have to leave me … I'm to heavily wounded to get to the Gate"  
She closed her eyes for a moment; was it tears I saw blinking?  
"Just …" Shallow breath; I was really getting worried about the severe injury "Just patch me up Janet. Give me some morphine for the pain. And sir …" she turned her gaze back to Jack "give me your gun; so I can protect myself"  
For once, O'Neill was searching for words. He seemed to hesitate; going over his options; reflecting on what Sam just said. He knew what the best option was … "Ok" he said.  
"But sir!" I started  
"No Doc, she is right. We will never make it back to the Gate this way." He turned back to Sam.  
"Ok Carter. Doc here will patched you up, stop the worst bleeding and will give you something for the pain. Take this …" He handed over his guns and some extra ammo. He put her with her back against a big rock, so she could at least see the enemy coming. "We will come back with re – enforcement asap. Until then, keep yourself under cover and hide from plain sight, understood?"  
She nodded. No using words, just nodding.  
"Sam .." I shuffled closer starting to patch up her wound. This was not going to last long; the wound was to severe, just to patch up. "Sam … are you sure about this?"  
Her deep blue eyes locked on mine. I saw a small flicker of doubt, of sadness, of .. something I couldn't put my finger on. She nodded again and started watching how I put a bandage around the wound after cleaning it out. I took out an ampule of morphine and shot it in her leg. "This will take the pain away for a while. I will leave a couple of shots behind, just in case the pain gets the best of you."  
Again she nodded … she looked me deep in the eye and opened her mouth, like she was about to say something, but the closed it again, turning her look at O'Neill.  
"I'm ok … just go before it's too late" A faint smile "I'm a survivor Sir" Jack hesitated for a small moment, but then stood upright. I took my medical supplies and followed his lead. After a couple of steps, I turned my head again. Sam was lying there, like a helpless wounded animal; her eyes closed; the gun gripped in her right hand. The thought that I would never see her again alive, flickered through my head; tears welled up in my eyes.

I took 3 hours to debrief, assess the situation and make decisions. The nerves were running through me like a freight train. I couldn't contain myself. I was pacing through the briefing room, hardly aware of the things that were said. I could feel O'Neill eyes following my every step.  
"Doc!" I stopped at once and turned my head.  
"Doc …" His voice was soothing. I dropped my shoulders; I had to let go off this stress that was building up inside me.  
"Doc … gather 2 people of your med staff and take only necessary equipment and a stretcher. We will leave in 30 minutes. Me and Teal'c will take point, followed by SG – 3 and your team. SG – 3 will secure the gate and you will wait with them, until T and I located Sam and secured the place; then we will call you in."  
I didn't even look at him before I ran out of the room; rushing towards the infirmary and getting prepared.  
My mind couldn't stop thinking about what maybe had happened to Sam… _I hope she made it. Please let her live . Please don't take her away from me …_ I startled at that thought … _ Away from mé? What was wrong with me?_

15 minutes later I was present in the gate room; the event horizon opened. I wanted to run through, going to look for Sam, but stayed pinned; waiting for O'Neill and Teal'c to take point.  
The minutes passed so slow; it was hard to keep focused when waiting for a "go" from O'Neill; a word saying they found Sam and that she could starting to take care of her injuries. Darkness was already falling over the planet, the temperature dropped like a stone. I hoped they would find her soon, 'cause otherwise she'd die of cold.

An hour crawled by without any news from O'Neill or Teal'c; the nerves were bundling together in my stomach .. the fear of losing her was getting a hold on me. It kept going around and around in my mind. I couldn't imagine the continuation of the SG – program without her; I couldn't bear the thought of her not being there anymore …I was getting frustrated that we still didn't hear anything … could they not find her? Was she maybe taken away by their attackers?  
They suddenly, breaking the silence of the night, the radio cracked. "This is O'Neill; come in"  
"SG – 3 taking your call; did you find her?"  
"Yes. Send Fraiser en her med team over ASAP. She's in critical condition"  
I sprang to my feet, quickly taking hold of everything we brought and got on our way. My legs went faster and faster, almost unable to take control of my speed. I wanted to be there as soon as my body could carry me. _… critical condition … oh my god … please, please, let her live_

Why it took them over an hour to get to her, was a mystery to me. 10 minutes later, I say the tall Jaffa standing near O'Neill, who was kneeled beside Sam … _oh my god!_ She looked really pale. Every color was drawn from her face. She was still holding the gun in her right hand, not strong, but loosely this time. It seemed she didn't needed it … I dropped all the medical supplies and kneeled beside her, again… I searched for a polse, but that seemed harder than normal. Her skin was so cold … but there it was, a really faint, weak polse. I smiled a bit; relieved actually that she was still alive; unconscious, but alive. That's all that I needed.  
I looked at O'Neill. "Was she awake when you found her?"  
He shook his head. "No …" He sighed. I saw the fear in his eyes, the fear of losing her. _I know you have strong feeling for her, Sir. Don't worry; I'll take care of her; as I always do._  
Docter Mode it was … "Ok, get her on the stretcher; we'll carry her through the gate; I'll start treatment as soon as we are at the infirmary. Put an couple of blankets over her."

It took only 15 minutes to get everything done, and to walk off the ramp in the SGC. Without saying a word to Hammond or O'Neill, I left the gate room to prepare everything for a surgery; one – if the choice was up to me – I'd rather never be doing, but I had to … this was Sam we were talking about … _Damned Sam; why you?_

I was exhausted! I kicked of my shoes and fell on the bed in my private quarters on base. I needed some sleep … it took about 5 hours the fix up Sam. 5 terrifying hours, where she arrested a couple of times and the wound seemed even more severe than my original diagnosis.  
My back was aching, I was hungry, my feet were sore, but all I wanted was some sleep. Sam was in recovery; it would take hours – even not days – for her to wake back up. Her body needed time to heal.  
I drifted off in a few seconds …

"Hey doc" … A gently hand was trying to wake me … not successfully I might add … "hey doc …" again, that hand … I turned, knowing somewhere in the back of my brain that it would not stop if I didn't respond …  
" Mmm … yeah … whatsup?" I saw Jack's face above mine, very serious. My eyes flicked open in bewilderment, suddenly very afraid. "is something wrong with Sam?" I felt the panic rise in my chests, cutting of my air supply.  
"No, no; she's still asleep; her vitals are very good" … a smile …  
"Ooh … ok …" _Ok Fraiser, relax; everything under control_ "what is it then that you wake me up for?"  
I stared questing in his eyes.  
He reached for his pocket and took out an envelope, marked with bloody prints. It was folded more than a couple of times; I could tell by the look of it.  
"I … eum … well …" He turned then envelop around in his hand, like he was not sure what to do with it.  
"You are never speechless, Sir"; I gave him a devilish smile  
He looked up, still looking for words, I could tell.  
"Yes well … first time for everything, right?" _There was that smart – ass – reply_.  
"So … what is that?" I asked him, suddenly very curious about that envelop.  
"Well … this is from Carter … she eum … she was holding it clinged to her chest when we found her. No name … I took it …" He stopped, looking slightly up; almost apologetic  
"I read it, you know. I'm sorry about that"  
"Ok … why are you sorry?" I didn't understand; what was it about this envelop.  
"Well … I read it, because, you know, there was no name on the envelop for who it was …"  
"O … k …" _Where was he going with this?_  
He looked up and locked on to my eyes. I saw a flicker of … what was it … ? I couldn't tell, but there was something of in his gaze. He turned the envelop to me.  
"It's for you"  
Silence.  
"For me?" I was surprised … why would Sam leave a note for me?  
"Yeah … again Doc, I'm sorry that I read it ; I Mean … you must know that whatever is in there; I will not tell"  
He stood up from the bed and was heading for the door; I was looking after him with a wondering look.  
At the door, he turned around one last time "I must say … I was not entirely surprised …"  
Ok, now I was lost. What was he talking about? He left the room without saying another word.  
I turned the envelop in my hands; only one time and then opened it.  
By look of the folding, it was written some time ago and carried along for quite some time too.  
I recognized the familiar handwriting of Sam … my heart started pounding heavily in my chest …  
It was a short note; not to many words. _Typically Sam_; short and fast written as I appeared.

_Janet,_

_With every beat of my heart, every second that I've know you and every living day, I have loved you with everything that I am. Not as a friend … more than that._

_I never had the courage to tell you, but I just wanted you to know … wherever I am now, I will never forget you; you have a special place in my heart._

_- Sam _

I think my heart skipped a beat or two … my breath was caught in my thoughts. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, unable to hold them back … all these years of withholding feelings, never to let go of what was inside of me for this woman … and then … this letter; this statement.  
_Why wouldn't she tell me? Why would she keep this from me? Am I this unavailable?_  
I felt hurt but relieved at the same time. I read it over and over again; let the words sink in; almost memorized every word she wrote.  
I stood up, straightened my clothes and walked over to the infirmary.

She was still asleep; in a drug- endused coma for her own sake. She was lying there, even after all she's been through, still very beautiful. I took a seat in the chair next to her and grabbed her hand; caressing it with my thumb.  
I felt a trill go through me, pounding my heart; all these years … all these years it took to finally know that she felt the same way as I did about her. I was wishing for her to wake up very soon, but I know that was impossible. The physical hurt would be too much to bare for now, so I had to keep her asleep; as much as my heart wanted it the other way around. I sat there for a couple of hours, until Jack came in; over watching the scene.  
"You know …" he started with a soft voice. "… I've always known how she felt about you"  
I turned around and looked up to his face. "How?" I asked him  
"Just the way she looked at you" a soft smile "Her eyes twinkle when you are near her"  
I felt a blush creeping up; this was too cute. He smiled at me again and then left the room; there were no more words that needed to be spoken.

I just sat there, staring at her, wondering what was going on in her mind, what was playing in that beautiful head of her. Hours past by; I fell asleep in the chair; my head tucked to the side, covered with a sweater.  
How long I sat there, I didn't know, but I woke abruptly by the sounds of the monitor next to Sam's bed. I looked up, focusing my eyes on the screen, when my heart must have stopped at what I saw: she was flat lining!  
I jumped up, pushed the emergency button. Nurses rushed in, with all the equipment necessary. I felt the panic rising in my blood. _This could not be happening!_ I screamed my commands to the staff, ordering them around, hoping that the panic would not infiltrate my voice. I started the heart massage; no effect. "Give the epi!"; no effect. "Charge the pedals!"; one time … two times … three times … four times … still nothing. _What to do? Help! Please, don't let her go like this! Please God, please! Not now!_ The tears started to well up; I could not hold it in anymore. I felt a small tear escape my eye and make a trail over my cheek. "Come on Sam! Don't give in!" I went to the heart massage again, like a mad man, hoping that my rushed movements would wake her up.  
The nurse standing closest to me, touched my upper arm. With a small voice she said: "Janet …" I didn't react; too busy with getting Sam back to life … "Janet …" again her small voice … I snapped my head in her direction "What!?"  
"Janet, let her go … It's been 23 minutes now; there is no way that she …"  
"Don't say that!" I snapped at her "Don't … don't you say that …" I stopped … I tried to wrap my head around this … "No, she can't … I …" I felt a sob coming up; the tears I was holding back started to push their way out.  
"No … Sam … she can't … no …" I sank down; felt my legs shake, the tears finding their way out; the sound of the flat line captured in my ear … _This was not happening … this was a dream, a nightmare, this was not real!  
_The only sound that filtered through, was the sound of rushed footsteps, taking a halt in the infirmary.  
"Doc?" a questioning voice of the Colonel. I just couldn't react to it. I tilted my head, looking him straight in the eye. His gaze switched between me and Sam, and back again, and back again … over and over …  
I had sank down beside the bed to the floor, my knees pulled up, trying to hide that I was crying. O'Neill came over and knelt beside me; he didn't say a thing. He just wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug and then, suddenly, the reality struck me and I started crying, no more holding back, no more smalls tears ; only loud sobs.  
Lost, so lost. The ability to hold myself together, was completely strange to me at this point; I could only feel the warm embrace of the Colonel; everything else passed by me. Somewhere in my head I knew I had to call the time of … _OMG …_ more and more tears streamed over my face; the world could have ended right there and then, but I wouldn't have even noticed. Strong arms scooped me up and carried me out of the infirmary to my private quarters; sat me down on the bed. Suddenly I was so tired; I fell to my side, closed my eyes and fell into a restless sleep.

When I woke up, I felt like I was hit by a truck; everything in my body hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. I sat upright on the bed, my eyes were burning and I felt so heavy. Like the load of the world rested on my shoulders. _She was gone._  
I stood up and took a look at myself in the mirror; this was going to be difficult to hide. Red eyes and so much sorrow in them. I straightened my clothes, washed my face and headed for the infirmary; I had to follow through on this; that was the only thing I could do to coop for the moment: kick start my doctor brain, take care of everything and then go home, fall apart in pieces and then … whatever I had the energy for; which probably would be nothing at all.  
I didn't know if I had the courage to go to the infirmary; the thought of seeing her there, probably pale and very much not alive, was too much. Instead, I headed to my office; I could fill in the papers without having that … confrontation … nobody had to see me and I had to see nobody; which suited me fine. I would be hard to keep up the façade in front of others.  
I sat down behind my desk, scouting through the papers that were piling up over the months. I sighted at the thought of all the work that was still in front of me, but grateful; this way I could keep my mind of things.  
_But she was gone. Gone. Away, from me. Did she knew she was going to … die? _I swallowed hard by the thought of that word. _She must have. Would she otherwise have to courage the let that letter be found? No; she would have kept silent for years. That was Sam for you. Emotionally underdeveloped… How could she not have told me?! Why would she wait until she was going to die?! Why tell me and then just die!? Is this your interpretation of a cruel joke Sam?! Damn! _I didn't even notice I was crying again; the teardrops fell on the file in front of me, making their wet marks. _Damned, why, why could she not have told me sooner? But then again … why didn't I tell hér? I had loved her for years now; longed for her embrace or a sweet kiss; feeling faint hearted every time she smiled at me; damn; that smile ... I would never be able to erase that from my memory … _The tears kept coming until I was unable to read anything anymore; the reports became blurry. I wept the tears away, trying to compose myself a little bit, knowing that the worst was yet to come.  
I would hit me hard in the stomach after a couple of days, but the hardest of all would be to tell Cassie. How would she react? She was going to be devastated. She really adored Sam. A small smile at the thought of those cherished Saturday's when Sam come over to play chess with Cassie; I always watched them from the couch, pretend to read a book but actually never taking my eyes of those two; and trailing ever small detail of Sam… But that would never happen again; no more Saturdays playing chess, no more sweet smiles, no more laughter from the backyard on summer days, no more "girl nights", no more secretly staring at the blonde Captain … I started sobbing; the hurt was already getting to much; I would never be able to handle this, but I had to stay strong; I knew I had to be: for me, for Cassie, for the SGC … everything would go on as before; teams would still come in wounded, she had the infirmary to run, taking care of the many injuries and then go home, take care of her teenage daughter who would need all the support in the world. I could not just break up in small pieces; I hád to stay strong! I would deal with my wounds when nobody was watching.

I worked for hours straight, pushing away every thought of her, keeping focused on the pile of paperwork. I didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't even take the time to go to the bathroom; just working; the best way to keep my mind busy. When I took a look at the clock, it was almost 11 P.M.; I had to get home to Cassie. She would probably already be in bed, but then I would be there in the morning for her.  
I finished up the last of my paperwork and drove home; I was glad I didn't run into anybody on my way over there. I could not handle it.

The room felt so cold. When I got home, I checked up on Cassie, who was solid asleep. I kicked off my shoes and fell on the bed, crawled under the covers and waited for the sleep to kick in. But it didn't. I laid away, staring at the ceiling, trying to manage my thoughts, trying to not think of her. _For once, please, let me stop thinking; I don't want this, I simply cannot handle this._ The night was rude; more than ever I felt alone. The burning feeling inside of me, the feeling of loss was getting the better of me. I needed her more than ever before. But now, more than ever before, she was out of reach. The tears spilled again; I covered my face in my pillow, silencing the sobs; I just cried and cried and cried; unable to make it stop, unable to turn off those images of her wounded and dying under my hands. _I let her die; I was to blame for this; I should never have left her on that planet; I should have stood my ground, but I didn't, so I am responsible._  
I sunk away in my thoughts and misery, ignoring the vibration of my muted cell phone more than a couple of times, once again falling into a restless and troubled sleep.

"Mom?"  
I stirred under the blankets, but my eyes refused to open; I felt a hangover coming on strong, although I didn't even drink last night.  
"Mom …" she shook me gentle awake. I turned around and managed to open my eyes. I looked into my daughter's worried eyes, bent over me.  
"Mom … ? Have you been crying?" _Oh my god… she sounded so worried … how could I tell her?_  
"It's nothing honey; I just had a hard day at work"; my voice cracked, but I managed to put on a smile. _Oh god, I hope she bought this_  
Cassie looked me in the eye, seemingly not really convinced with my excuses, but at some point she decided that she would not argue with it and let it go.  
"You have phone, mom. It's Daniel." I didn't move; I just didn't want to talk to anybody for the SGC.  
"Tell him I will call him back … later", I sighted; this was going to be difficult, keeping up appearances for Cassie and keeping away from SG-1.  
"Hmmm … he insisted mom. He already tried to call you a dozen of times last night on your cell, but you didn't answer." _Daniel … such a sweet man, but sometimes I could really kill him for his persistence._  
I rolled of the bed, my muscles all tense and hurting. Cassie was watching me with a weary eye; she knew something was off, I could feel her eyes burning in my back.  
I took a couple of deep breaths, before I picked up the phone. "Fraiser"  
"Hey Janet! Glad I can finally get a hold of you!" _Always so fraggin' cheerful, even now when …_ "Where have you been? We were all worried about you. I tried to reach you yesterday evening, when it seemed that you went off – base; we all thought you were still sleeping when we check up on you." His word kept coming and coming; I don't think that even one word registered.  
"I caught up on my paperwork and went home, Daniel. I needed some …" he cut me off in the middle of my sentence.  
"Well, you have to come back to base, ASAP." He really sounded to cheery, even when he 'demanded' something.  
"Daniel, I really don't …" What was it with him that he didn't even gave me a chance to finish my sentences?  
"Janet, get over here; there's a medical emergency"  
"My staff is well – trained to …"  
"No Janet, YOU need to come over. I'll see you in an hour?" No question, just a statement. I sighted, he was clearly expecting me to say something, preferably in a confirming way.  
"Just …" *sigh* "Just give me 2 hours will you?"  
"Ok, see you then!" _So damn cheery._

As I turned into my parking spot at the SGC, I felt my stomach turn into a knot. Everything about this place reminded me of her. I could almost see her everywhere; how could I keep working here, when I was confronted with her at every turn? Could I keep up with the pace of this place without thinking of her every time? I lost patients before, I knew how to deal with death, but this … this was something different. I felt the sadness and the hurt crawling deep inside of me, holding onto my heart, refusing to let go.  
I made my way down on automatic pilot, so sunken into my doubts and worries that I didn't see him coming. On the next turn, only a couple of hallways away from the infirmary I literally ran into Colonol O'Neill. I bounced back a little bit, but with his strong grip he kept me upright.  
"Hi Doc", a friendly voice. "Nice to see you. You disappeared on us?"  
I looked up; his face was far from dark; he even smiled  
"Yeah well … I needed to get home to Cassie … you know …" I looked back at the ground; I could not look him in the eye, because even he reminded me of her; they were connected in a way.  
"You're on your way to the infirmary?"  
Hesitation… " … Yes … not willingly tough. But you know; they can't seem to run that place without me"  
I looked up again, schrudded my shoulders and even managed a small smile.  
He looked back, sympathetically. "Well, then you better get goin'. Let me walk you there."  
I threw him a surprised look; he never did that …but I was in no mood to argue, so together we continued to the infirmary. I walked into the infirmary; I expected a lot of staff on call working their asses of for this medical emergency, but instead it was very quiet. I was so surprised I didn't even notice that the Colonel stopped at the door, letting me walk alone into this room.  
"Ok … what …"  
I turned around on my heels, looking at O'Neill for some explanation. "Where is this medical emergency Daniel talked about?"  
"Behind the curtain", he nodded towards the one cubicle where the curtain was pulled in front of.  
I turned back and headed towards it; pulling away the curtain with one movement and then … felt the world spinning, my knees getting weak and almost fell to the floor.  
She laid in the bed like nothing ever happened; peacefully asleep, the heart monitor next to hear giving a steady normal pace.  
"I … what … Jack?" I was stunned, perplex; I turned around again, facing the Colonel who in the meantime entered the room. I felt the tears well up again; all the emotions from the past night bubbled back to the surface.  
He looked at me and smiled, grabbed me tight into a hug. That broke down the wall. It all had to come out. I sobbed, let the tears fall and really didn't care who could see it.  
He spoke softly while he still hold me. "After Teal'c carried you to your quarters, you fell sound asleep. We returned to the infirmary for … well you know what for … but when we came back in, there was once again a steady pulse on the monitor …" He stopped, taking a deep breath "Your staff didn't know how that was possible … I didn't want to wake you, because you looked exhausted, like you could collapse at any given time"  
I pulled away from him a little bit so I could look up; I opened my mouth to protest on that thought, but shut it again; he continued.  
"So I thought we would wake you up later that night to tell you, but we got called into an emergency meeting; by the time we got back, you seemed to be gone and didn't answer your cell and since it was already late I didn't want to call you on your home phone because of Cassie .. she needs her sleep right?" A faint smile.  
I let go of the hug, turning again to the bed where she was sound asleep.  
"I really can't believe this … I … oh Jack, the idea that she was … after that letter .. I just couldn't …"  
"I know … " he sighed but I could hear his smile painting through. "But she's still here. As she said: she's a survivor. Always was, always is."  
I couldn't help it, but a faint smile crept onto my lips.  
"Is she asleep or in a coma?"  
"She's asleep; heavily sedated tough. I might take a couple of hours before she's awake."  
"Ok …" I pulled a chair up to the bed without taking my eyes of the blonde Captain. "I'll stay with her."  
"You do that. Let me know if anything chances", O'Neill said. He rested his hand on my shoulder "She will be fine Doc; don't you worry". He then turned away and left the room.

After the Colonel left, I took her hand; it was warm, full of color. I just kept staring at her; this was a familiar sight. But the last time I was here, things just went south; I squeezed her hand a little and whispered "Don't leave me again Sam. There's so much I want to say to you, so much we need to talk about."  
I sat there for hours, holding her hand and taking in every feature of her. I just couldn't get enough of her. I needed to tell her that I felt the same way about her, with all my heart, and that I wanted to spent my life with her, being a family. In all the time I sat there, the entire SG-1 team stopped by to check on her; asking me how she was doing; asking me how I was doing … _Did O'Neill tell them about the letter? I couldn't tell, but whatever it was, I felt supported._ Jack offered to go to my home, and babysit Cassie, which ment as much as "see a movie and order pizza", but I was greatful, so I didn't have to leave her side.

It was almost 2 A.M. when she opened her eyes; I was lightly asleep in the chair next to her, resting my hand on hers. I felt her fingers move and snapped awake.  
Her troubled blue eyes fluttered open and locked on our hands; then her eyes met mine.  
"Hi there" I spoke. She just smiled, letting her eyes rest and then open them again. "Hi" Her voice was soft and silent, barley auditable.  
"How are you feeling?"; I stood next to the bed, looking at her, brushing a lock of hair to the side.  
"A bit sore"; again that smile, like she was almost apologizing.  
The only thing I could do is smile and look at her beautiful blue eyes, like it was the first time I saw her. _My god, she is so beautiful, now even more than before. I could not stand losing you, Sam Carter._  
"I will get you some water and call in a nurse for your medical file; I want to check your vitals"  
I was turning around and ready to leave the bed, as she grabbed my hand.  
"Thank you Janet …" she swallowed hard " for everything …"  
I smiled, nodded and then left to get the water and chart.  
When I came back, she was fast asleep again. The check – up and even our talk had to wait until later. There would be a better time for this. I bent over the bed and gave her a kiss on the forehead "I do love you Sam; don't you forget that".  
After putting the chart away, I returned to my quarters and settled in for a good night sleep this time; no troubled dreams this time.

You had to give her credit for this. The time she needed to recover was so short that it seemed superhuman. The next morning she was awake when I arrived, surrounded by her team and already making jokes with them.  
I paused at the door for a moment, taking in the smile and felt a smile forming. _This is what she loves; the SGC, the team, the adventure … everything. She's always on the frontline and always in danger._ Of course I knew that for a long time, but it was the first time that it was a clear realization. _… always in danger … I had to learn to live with that, find a way to coop with that; I could not always break down like I did before, just because she might die … but how can I do that? How can I not care for that?_ I must be stuck on that thought, still standing in the doorway, when I felt eyes burning on me. "Good morning Doc!" I startled, caught off guard by the Colonel's voice.  
I put on a smile and walked towards them "Good morning Sir" I paused and turned to Sam "Good morning Sam; how are you feeling?"  
She smiled at me again, but not as bright as yesterday. Something was a little bit of. Instead of looking me in the eye, like she always did, she seemed to develop an interest in the sheets of the bed when answering "I'm fine; a bit of a headache, but that's ok".  
I just didn't know what to say. Yesterday she was all bright, giving me that dazzling bright smile, locking her blue eyes on mine … but now … what happened between yesterday night and this morning? I was puzzled.  
"… ok … I euh … will give you something for the headache then. Anything more I should know?" I just had to give it a try to figure it out, although it was quiet awkward with the guys stand around them.  
She looked at me for a fraction of a second; "No, everything's fine". There was some kind of disappointment in her voice, some embarrassment maybe? I couldn't put my finger on it, so I took some notes for her medical record, gave instructions to the nurse and left the room, heading for my office; much needed some space to think.

I fell in my office chair, sighted and closed my eyes for a moment. What was going on? So much conflicted feelings … it almost seemed like Sam was avoiding every look, every touch. Did she regret the letter? Maybe she just wasn't ready for me to read it? Maybe it was a flaw in her plan that she ever had to face me again after I read it? Maybe those feelings were over; maybe it was just a letter she wrote a long time ago and the feelings changed? I had noticed an attraction towards O'Neill … maybe it was all that much easier to be in love with the Colonel … _Maybe this isn't such a good idea … letting her know how I feel about her. What if she wants some sort of a relationship? Then I was getting too involved; could I stand another situation like the one before? Feeling like I failed her, like I could not rescue her. Be afraid every time she went off – world? I would live in fear all the time; that was no way of living…_  
The thoughts made me even more confused; as trilled as I was when I read her letter, the more afraid I was now of what the future had in hold for me: a strong love (I was sure of that), but accompanied with fear of loss; or shutting these feelings out and focus on the job to deal with the fear. If I let the love in, it would conquer my heart and make a free passage for fear every time she would be hurt, which was a lot to be honest…  
I sighed again, leaning back in my chair, trying to order my thoughts. I flipped upright, straightened my back and starting working on my files; I would let the nurses take care of Sam today; I had a decision to make …

The days passed by and Sam got better and better. I checked in on her a couple of times a day, but every visit was as awkward as the previous one, so I kept it strict professional, checking her vitals, taking notes and leaving her with the care of the med staff. If I had any lingering doubts, these sort of conversations, made my decision: I would not tell her, I would keep it to myself. I would try to shut out the feelings and just be the base doctor. It was going to be hard, but I had no other choice; I had a hard time to compose myself every time I faced her, so building a wall around me was my best option.  
Days passed by, then the months. We kept on a strictly professional base, only finding conversation when it was work – related. We tried one more 'girls night', but the atmosphere was different, awkward and not as fun as it used to be, so we left it at that. She still came over on Saturdays, visiting Cassie and playing chess, but instead that I curled up on the couch with a book, watching her, I got out of the house, went for a run or did some work in the garden. Everything to avoid being caught by her beauty; I needed distance to pull this 'shutting it out' off.  
I noticed she was uncomfortable every time she was around me; no more friendly pets on the shoulder, no more soothing words. It was different and I missed her as my friend.  
She went off – world and came back again, lots of time with small injuries. Every time I heard Hammond's words "Medical team to the embarkation room", my heart jumped, afraid of what I would find there. Every time she was hurt, I could not help but feel the tears rise. I took care of her, took care of her wounds, gave her on "ok" for any mission, but was left with a knot in my stomach.

It was Saturday. The sun was shining, the flowers in my garden grew and were beautiful. I enjoyed these kinds of days; it seemed like the air carried an worry – free flow around. I sat on the back porch, in my swing chair trying to read a book, but had a hard time focusing; as every Saturday, because that was when Sam came by. As usual Cassie was bouncing off the walls again; she was always excited when Sam came around; even though Cassie was already 17 and a teenager in every aspect of her being, her adoration for Sam was unchanged.  
I was staring at the back of the garden, nothing to see there, but my mind was full of thoughts.  
"Hi mom", I felt Cassie curl up to me, laying her head on my shoulder. "Is something wrong, Mom?" She looked up to me. "Mmm … no honey, everything is fine; why do you ask?"  
I could tell she was not convinced. She sat upright, staring right at me. "Are you sure? Because honestly Mom, you seem really … like stressed or something the last couple of months." I didn't answer; she paused " … especially when Sam comes around … " the words hit me right in the face.  
"What do you mean?" I threw her a wondering look, bit puzzled, not sure what she knew, or thought she knew.  
"Well, for starters, Sam doesn't come around that much anymore, and when she does … you two hardly say anything to each other. You got to admit: that weird! You two couldn't stop babbling."  
I sighted. "It's nothing to worry about honey. She still adores you." I gave her a faint smile.  
Cassie kept looking at me, waiting for more words to come out of my mouth, but I didn't know what to say. _What can I say to her? She's still a teenager; I cannot burden her. Plus, I don't know how she would react to the idea of me being in love with Sam, a woman._  
"I know she still likes me Mom, but what about you?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Does she still likes you? You never talk about her anymore; you don't about work, about the crazy missions; it's like you don't care anymore. Do you Mom?"  
_How could she be so smart for somebody of her age?  
_"Cassie … " I put my hand on her shoulder, trying to reassure her "Everything is fine. It's just a hard time at work and we don't have that much to discuss we see each other every day." I tried smiling again, hoping that she was soothed by this explanation. She waited for a minute, opening her mouth to give me a response, when the doorbell rang. She took a couple of second of staring at me, trying to figure out if this conversation would have a second part, then sprang on her feet, opening the door for Sam.  
_How can I make this work any longer? I don't have the energy for this; to fight this every day …_  
I stood up and walked to the back of the garden, where I placed myself under a big tree, my back against it, facing the house.  
I saw how Cassie and Sam entered the garden, walking towards the table, where Cassie already put the chess game. I saw how Sam looked around, like she was searching for me, but when she didn't find me, she turned her attention to Cassie, putting on one of her amazing smiles and started playing.

After Sam left, I walked back into the house, glad that we didn't had to talk, that any confrontation was avoided.  
Cassie was sitting on the couch, watching an episode of The Simpsons; how she loved that show.  
I put my book on the counter and grab a wine glass; how I could use a nice glass of red wine, putting my mind at ease. I poured myself a glass as Cassie went into the kitchen.  
"Hi honey" I tried to sound happy. "How was your game with Sam? Did you win?"  
"Of course I did Mom" a small devilish smile. She stopped and look at me. "You know Mom …" I looked up at her, taking a sip of the wine. "Sam asked how you've been"  
"Oh … did she?" _Did I sound casual? Because my heart took a leap_  
"Yeah … she sounded … concerned …"  
"What do you mean?" _Sam was concerned … dammit! Couldn't she just don't care?_  
"She asked if you were OK… She said you didn't talk much anymore … Is that true Mom?"  
"Well, maybe not as much as before, no, but as I said honey, things are kind of hectic at work right now"  
"Yeah … " She looked at her feet. _What was I putting her through? This was my problem, not hers._  
"So what did you say?" I smiled "That I'm still as crazy as always?" I caught her in a hug, pulling her close and pressing a kiss on her forehead.  
"Moooooom!" She pulled away, of course, like every teenager. She smiled. Then her face turned serious again.  
"Please mom, tell me what's wrong … and don't say "Nothing" because there is something; I can tell … and so can Sam …"  
"Honey … it's complicated … but it's nothing for you to worry about." _She had to have to it with these words; I couldn't say more. But I knew this situation was uncontainable; I had to do something. Maybe something radical._  
"You can tell me you know … I know I'm 'only' 17, but I can listen very well" She wrapped her arms around me waist, her head on my shoulder. "I want to see you happy Mom, and you are not"  
"Honey, I'm happy because I have you" I took her face between my hands "I really am. You are the best thing that has happened to me". I saw her eyes twinkle and all I could do is just smile and pull her back into our hug.

I was working through a stack of paperwork – again, it never seemed to stop – waiting for the return of SG – 1, for their post – mission medical inspection. I had to finish up all my work, tie up loose ends and file everything.  
The door swung open, not even a knock; O'Neill walked in, clearly agitated.  
"Ok, listen Doc!" He slammed the door shut. I leaned back in my chair, a bit confused because O'Neill was never like that with her. He didn't even take a seat; he put down his backpack and stood right in front of my desk, leaning over, lowering his voice.  
"You have to stop this show you're putting on." I raised my eyebrow, looking at him, not understanding what he was trying to point out.  
"What do you mean, Colonol?"  
"I've had it with this!" He started pacing through my office. Lowering his voice again, he took a seat and seemed to calm down a bit.  
"You have to tell her Doc" My heart jumped. "She knows you read her letter."  
"She does?" _Then why didn't she say so?_  
"Yes, she does. You're breaking her heart Doc; not telling her anything about it."  
"Sir, with all respect, it's not that …"  
"No Doc, no excuses." He paused. "She told you how she felt and you choose to ignore it. And really I don't get that. What are you up to Doc? Did I misinterpreted your feelings for her?"  
He stared at me. I was dazzled; lost every ability to speak.  
"No Sir … but it's not that easy"  
"What's not easy about it Doc? You go up to her, give her a hug and tell her that you love her! All done! You can have a happy life!"  
"Sir … I …"  
"Do you know that she cries?" I looked up, throwing him a worried gaze. _I could not have this; not now; I already made my decision._  
Waiting for my not coming response, he continued: "She cries when she sleeps. I hear the words in her bad dreams when we are on a mission. But she denies she does; you know, that's Carter for you. But Doc, she is hurt; you …" he pointed his finger at me "you broke her heart Doc."  
I sighted. "Sir, Jack …"  
"For crying out loud Doc, just go up to her and tell her whatever it is that you are carrying with you for the last couple of months"  
"I can't Sir" I dropped my head, looking at my fumbling hands.  
"What do you mean "You can't"?"  
I took a moment for a deep breath. "I'm leaving the SGC"  
He froze on the spot. A long minute of silence passed between us. "Why?"  
I prepared this, but forget all the words to it.  
"Is it because of Sam?" he asked.  
_Yes, no … maybe; I don't know; damn this was more complicated than I thought.  
_"I need to do this Sir, for my own good." The tension grew "Please, don't tell anybody already; I would like to inform them myself."  
He nodded. Without saying another word, he left my office, his shoulders hung low.

A couple of days later I unpacked my stuff at my new office at the military hospital. I temporary moved into a rental house a couple of blocks away, looking for a fresh start and giving me time for selling my old house.  
Telling the SGC that I was leaving, was harder than I thought. I had called a gathering in the briefing room, so it would be easier. After I told, there was a long silence. I saw stunned faces, faces of disbelieves and sadness. But in the long run, they all wished me the best of luck, shaking my hand and thanking me for all those years on base. A lot of hugs and a lot of tears, but they all wished me well; expect for Sam. She was standing in the back of the briefing room; I could hardly look at here, but the glimpses that I caught of her were unhappy ones. She had dark circles around her eyes and they didn't sparkle. She look tired, exhausted even.  
As soon as the words slipped out, I caught her eye. I believe I saw tears well up in her beautiful blue eyes; she turned around and left the briefing room without saying a word. I didn't see her again after that.

The weeks following my leaving the SGC, I only had contact on friendly bases with a couple nurses from my former staff; nobody from SG – 1 gave me a call; I understand though .. why would they? They knew (I was sure of it) what was going on between me and Sam; or at least what wasn't going on, but they could feel the hurt. I kept convincing myself, it was the best thing I could do; the easiest for me to coop. Cassie wasn't really that happy, I could tell, but for some reason she understood.  
The days, weeks and months unfolded themselves; I was really busy at my job, building up everything. Cassie went to school and made new friends. This was the fresh new start I wanted. My mind away from SGC, away from Sam Carter … it was the best for the both of us. Now we would not risk our carriers and could focus on our jobs. I knew she was hurt, but she would get over it. She would dive into her work and forget about me. It was easier this way.

When I got home after a long and hard day, I kicked off my shoes and poured myself a glass of wine. Cassie was off to some party with her new friends. I ordered some pizza and settled on the couch with the TV on. Finally, a little bit of me time. I only finished my second slice when the doorbell rang. With a sigh I stood up from the couch and opened the door. "Daniel!" I was surprise but not unhappy to see him. "hi Janet", he smiled, giving me a hug. "It's so good to see you" he said.  
"Likewise. Come in come in"  
Daniel stept in and took a look around. "Wow, this is a nice place. You bought it?"  
"Thanks. And no, it's rental. I'm still trying to sell my old house before I buy something new. Can I get you something to drink?"  
"Yeah .. that wine seems nice …" he pointed to my glass on the table.  
"Coming right up!" I said as I disappeared into the kitchen.  
When I returned he already made himself comfortable on the one person couch.  
"So, how are you doing?" he asked while I handed him the glass.  
"Good, good. Busy ofcourse. Lot of things to do at the hospital; but I'm not complaining"  
"Great …" he started playing with his glass. There was something up; this was not just a friendly visit.  
"What is it Daniel?" He startled. "Huh? Oh .. well … nothing really…"  
"Come on Daniel; I know you long enough to know that this is not just a friendly visit." I took in every feature of him; he looked really nervous.  
"This is not easy Janet. I wish I wasn't the one that had to tell you."  
_Okay, Daniel, you have my attention. My heart skipped a couple of beats._  
"Sam is not doing good Janet."  
I didn't know what to say … I know something was up; but I hoped it wasn't concerning Sam.  
"Daniel …" I paused, took a sip of my wine and then looked at him. "Daniel … I got away from the SGC because of Sam." He looked shocked. "What do you mean Janet? You wanted to get away from her?" it sounded like an accusation.  
"Look … Daniel … I … " Damn this was hard. How could I explain all those feelings I had to deal with? "It's not because I didn't like her … it was just because I liked her too much … do you understand that?"  
He swirled his wine around in the glass. "She likes you too you know; still does …"  
I found it hard to breathe, to swallow, to keep my heart beating.  
"I just can't, Daniel. There's too much at stake; you know how the military works"  
"But Janet, this is love we're talking about. She loves you Janet, so so much. How could you not see that? See wrote you that letter!"  
_He knew about the letter … ofcourse …_ "Jack told you, huh?"  
"No, Sam did …"  
"She did? That's not like her …"  
"She's tearing herself up, Janet. She's lost. … She's trying to hide her feeling and her tears, but she got herself in trouble…"  
"How?" _This could just not be …_  
"She not focused anymore. When we're off – world, she's not in the game anymore; like she couldn't care less. 3 weeks ago we went on a exploration mission, but G'oauld found us. There was that whole "I shoot you, you shoot me" – thing going on. Sam was again hit in the chest …" He stopped to let the words sink in …  
"Is she …" I almost panicked. _Why did I panic? I tried to get away from those feelings._  
"No, she survived … again … she was in the infirmary for a week … she … she had – has – a hard time Janet" This time he didn't pause "I stopped by every night to check on her; every night I found her crying; she's not the crying – type Janet"  
"Yeah, I know …" _Was this because of me? Did I cause this?_ "Where is she now?"  
"At home … I guess …"  
"You guess?"  
"Well, Hammond sent her home for some time off. In the first week I went by and she looked miserable; it took me a while to convince her to talk; she told me everything; also about the letter … there are a lot of things you don't know Janet; things she needs to tell you and only you … but …"  
The hurt I pushed away for so long, came back up; the tears were stinging …  
"But what Daniel?"  
"When we spoke, that was 1,5 weeks ago; since then I cannot reach her. She is not answering her phone, she doesn't open when I come knocking; no sign at all"  
That was a truth that hit her in the face. "You think she's alright?"  
"I don't know to be honest … I've never seen her like this before … maybe … maybe YOU should talk to her … ?"  
My head was spinning with this information; I could not ground myself. What was I to do? I tried to get away from this, I tried to hide those feelings, tried to get away from this kind of drama, simply because I could not handle it.  
"I don't know Daniel … I don't know if I can do this … "  
"You have to … for Sam …"  
"I don't think that it would be for the good of Sam … I can't give her what she wants Daniel … I just can't …"  
The silence hung there for a few minutes; I could see Daniel processing that information.  
"You mean … you don't love her the way she does you? 'Cause I thought .. well I understood from Jack that …"  
"No, it's not that Daniel … Believe me: I do love her, I just can't …"  
"Why Janet? I mean … this is the most amazing thing you can have … "  
_This was not going as I planned … I was too tired for this …_  
"I can't commit myself to some sort of relationship, when I would die of worries every time she goes off – world, Daniel. I would panic every time when she's hurt; like when she got shot … I lost myself and I just can't lose myself on the job. I tried … I really tried to find a way to deal with it all, but I just couldn't … I couldn't find a way to love her and worry; and I couldn't find a way to hide the feelings and be professional. So I left …"  
"Then why did you never talked to Sam about it?"  
"She never talked to me either!" I snapped … he was putting too much pressure on me.  
He put down his glass of wine and stood up … "This was a bad idea; I shouldn't have come … Goodbye Janet."  
Without saying a word or looking back he left …

When Cassie came home from the party, I was still wide awake; sitting with the bottle of wine in front of me, almost empty, starting into nothing.  
She threw her arm around me shoulders, pressing a kiss on my head; then she noticed my face … "Mom, what's wrong?" She let her arms go and came sit next to me. "Have you been crying?" I nodded.  
"What happened?"  
I took another sip of wine to empty my glass and then to refill it again. The bottle was empty now … I wished there was more where that came from … I helped to drink the pain, the hurt and the confusing feelings away.  
"Daniel was here …"  
"Daniel? Oh, too bad I wasn't here." She truly missed the SG-1-team; they were almost like family to her. _What did I do, why the hell did I leave? Just because I wasn't strong enough to handle things? Was that reason enough to take away everything from Cassie … from Sam?_  
I stared into my glass, sipping my wine again; I felt the concerned look of Cassie burning on my face.  
"What did he say?"  
Right there I broke down, in front of my daughter; I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed and see hold me.  
"It's ok mom, don't be sad; tell me what happened"  
So I told her everything; trying not to cry any more than I already had. I emptied my glass while telling her everything Daniel had told me. I was feeling so tired; drained of energy; not capable to hold my thoughts together, keep my body straight. I fell down on the couch, soundly asleep. All I remembered was Cassie putting a blanket over me, turning off the light and went upstairs. The night was a blur.

I had taken me a week to compose myself. A week of trying to straighten out my thoughts, making decisions, trying to make sense of the feelings I had. I was in doubt, but it was Cassie who made it so clear for me: "Mom, don't be silly, you know what you want"; and yes, she was right. I knew what I wanted.  
Now I was standing on Sam's front porch, hesitating to knock; maybe waiting for the door to magically open. I took a deep breath and knocked. No response. I knocked again; no response. I took a few steps to the left and peered through the window. _Maybe she is out; or at work; I could come back later._  
I hesitate a bit, then turn around on my heels, ready to walk to my car again, when suddenly I heard "Janet?"  
A chill went down my spine as I heard her voice; not fresh and sparkling like I was used to, but broken, cracked.  
I turn back to where the sound came from; she was standing in the doorway … I froze on the spot for a moment; she looked terrible: dark circles around her eyes, her eyes dark and dead, sorrow on her face; she lost more than a few pounds, by the look of it. She walked around in an unwashed jeans and a simple t – shirt; but under need it all, there was still that beautiful woman  
"Hi Sam", I said in a small voice; I was not sure how she would react. She just looked at me, clearly not sure if this conversation was real or not.  
"Can I come in?" A bit of hesitation, but she opened the door further and let me in.  
I had been to Sam's house a couple of times before; always clean, no clutter; but this time it was the other way around. I walked into the living room, empty bottles of … was it scotch? …. Everywhere. Clearly she slept on the couch, according to the blankets that where lying there as was her pillow; take – out food boxes on the ground; the tv still on … Really, I didn't know what to say or think about this. _Was this all my fault?_  
She had entered behind me, flopping on the couch, pulling up her knees under her chin and wrapping her arms around her knees; she kept staring at the television. I settled in the chair nearby, across of her.  
I took her in from head to toe, looking at her physical state, which was terrifying. She avoided eye contact, but the only thing _I _could do was looking at her; wondering _why the hell_ I left her behind.  
Deep down inside I just knew that I wanted her, badly; I wanted to share my love with her, wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to just be with her. Was I that afraid? _Afraid of losing her_. For a while we just sat there, not saying a thing; she watching the T.V., I watching her.  
"Sam …" I tried to pull her attention towards me; she didn't take her eyes of the T.V.. I saw her muscles tens under her pale skin. "Sam, I …" What did I wanted to say? So much; I rehearsed the words in the car on the way over here, but lost every one of them. She started rocking in little movements, tears welling up in her eyes; that broke my heart. I stood up and walked over to where she sat. She tensed up even more. She turned her head slightly away from me. I kneeled in front of her, putting my hand on her thy; I felt her shiver. For the first since I arrived, she looked at me, her eyes full of tears, the hurt clearly showing on her face.  
"Why, Janet?" the sadness shimmered through in her voice. Her blue eyes locked on mine; this time it was me who had to look away.  
"I …" I sighted; what was I to say. So much hurt, so much disappointment. Did the words even exist to make it all better? I couldn't even recall what was the main reason that I left. And was the reason good enough to make her go through all of this?  
"I don't understand, Janet" I locked back on her; the tears were making wet marks on her cheeks. "Why did you go? Was it wrong of me to write you that letter? Because I would take it all back if it meant that you would stay"  
"oh my god Sam, no, no … it was not wrong …"  
"Then why?"  
I truly couldn't find the words …  
"Sam, I don't know what to say .. I thought I made the right decision …"  
I couldn't take the look in her eyes anymore; I just _broke_ her by leaving when her heart was on the line. _ How could I have done that?!  
_"I didn't feel right to me …" I thought she would be mad … but she wasn't; it was worse, she was disappointed.  
"I'm so sorry, Sam, I … " a couple of tears ran down my face " … I …was afraid of losing you after … after …" I couldn't stop it anymore; the tears went down in streams. The angst I had felt when Sam got shot, the desperation of feeling her life slip away under my fingers, … it all came back to me. I had it hidden carefully away, never to think of it again, but it now struck me at full force. I wanted to cry so much, so hard, but not in front of her.  
I stood up, turning my back to her, running out the front door; I could not deal with the confrontation of all that had been going on for the past months.  
It was all so beautiful in my head; the moment I read the letter, the relieve I felt, the thought that I could share my feelings with the beautiful woman I adored; and then the doubt kicking in; the anxiety of losing and staying behind with a broken and lost love … I'd rather be alone forever than to deal with that; so I had to run, run away from the woman I loved so much, knowing very well what it would do to her. I realized I secretly hoped that Sam would talk with me about the letter and her feelings, so she could make the decision for me; maybe convincing me that it all would be just fine. But when she didn't – probably ashamed over what she wrote and the way I got the letter – I didn't had the courage to face it myself; denying every feeling in my body, every desire I felt for the last couple of years.  
I kept crying as I walked out the door, walking as fast as my legs could carry me. I got in, my vision troubled by the tears, turning on the engine and speeding away. I hardly picked up on the fact Sam was running after me …

I went for a long drive; just miles and miles of lonely road, emptiness. Thoughts swirled through my head.  
This was not going the way that I planned it; I wasn't supposed to cry. I wanted to say how sorry I was, what a huge mistake I made, that I loved her, that … everything, just everything I felt! But I could only cry and run away.  
After driving for almost an hour I stopped at a road diner; I took a stool at the bar. "What can I get you honey?"  
"Coffee please. No wait … give me a glass of wine"; I much needed a drink. Normally I would choose something stronger, but that bit of responsibility kicked in saying one glass of wine was ok; scotch … too dangerous. That caution circled in my head for about 5 minutes; right after finishing my glass of wine.  
"Give me something stronger, will you?"  
The waitress gave me an uninterested look, and pored me a drink. It took me 5 drinks to numb the pain; to stop feeling and even stop thinking. The waitress went from "I don't care" to "Let me call you a cab honey; you look like crap". I didn't protest.  
The alcohol was floating through my veins, clouding my thoughts; I was happy with that. The cab driver had to wake me up when we arrived. I paid the man and stumbled to my front door. I leaned against the front door, in an attempt to hold myself on my feet, which was quiet hard with the amount of alcohol I drank; I almost fell on my face when the door suddenly opened.  
"Mom!" Cassie yelled out, in surprise.  
I looked at her and gave her an apologetic smile "Heeeey Cassie"; my tongue was thick, I could hardly speak.  
"Mom … ? Are you … drunk?" I nodded, still with that some drunkass smile on my face.  
"Why didn't you call? We were worried about you."  
"We?" I mumbled.  
She took my arm and guided me to the living room  
"Yeah … Sam's here .."  
As I walked – well, stumbled – into the living room, she was standing there, right in front of me; the same Sam I had known for years; bright, beautiful and absolutely stunning. Her face was serious, worried actually; my blurry eyes most have been deceiving me.  
Cassie put me on the couch, putting a string of hair behind my ear. Vaguely I heard her say: "I'm going to sleep Sam, need to get up early; please talk to her" I was unaware of my teenage daughter leaving the room; too busy with getting a grip on reality, blowing the clouds in my head away.  
_Man, that has been a long time that I was this drunk …_  
I felt a body sliding beside me, sitting close but not touching; I turned my head around and was struck by her gorgeous blue eyes. I was mesmerized; my heart was beating heavily in my chest. We sat there just staring; the air between us with tick with unspoken emotions, with doubts, with desire, with hurt. The sadness crept up; I felt so stupid, so retarded; my actions were ridiculous; I had no real ground for them; it was all just fear. I let fear overrun every single decision I made, convincing myself that it was the most rational thing to do. I was so, so wrong.  
I almost drowned in her eyes; she was concerned, not angry; I could see that and it surprised me.  
"I … I don't deserve you, Sam." She opened her mouth to speak, I stopped her "You were always the brave one. You were the first to admit what you felt; I never dared that. Always overthinking everything. You gave your heart to me and I just crushed it. While I just should've kissed you, I ran, as far away as I could … I …" I paused, catching my breath; my feelings were overwhelming me "I'm so sorry Sam; I never meant to put you through all of this …" I didn't look at her; I couldn't, again … I stood up, not really steady, to make my way to … wherever … but Sam grabbed my hand … "Please Jan, don't run again" she said in a small voice. I felt a tingling sensation where her hand touched mine; I could've melted right there on the spot. So I sat down again, not sure what else to add; the alcohol was still running my brain.  
"Look, Jan, … I …" she touched the edge of my face, turning it to her, so she could locked her eyes on mine "I wasn't sure what your response would be after you read the note. You know … that letter was only meant to be read when I was dead." A faint smile _Damn, she was so gorgeous when she smiled_ "When I was shot and was laying there, I really thought I was going to die, so I figured to hold the letter so you would find it. I never expected to actually still be alive after that." Again, that smile. My heart bounced around in my chest.  
"You know I'm never big on words, when it comes down to feelings. I wanted to talk to you about it, but didn't had the courage. I thought you would … and then you went away … I was so convinced that it was to my doing, that letter, that you wanted to get away from mé. I could really punch myself in the face you know. I failed the one person I really wanted." She laid her hand on my shoulders, trailing up, cupping my face. "If you feel the same way Janet …." There was that questioning look in her eyes. Her movements stopped; I leaned in to feel her soft fingers on my face; closed my eyes, letting the sensation in. "I do Sam" I opened my eyes again, looking towards a smiling Sam, shy as always, but so stunning too.  
"I don't want to make the same mistake again, Jan. I don't want to see you leave again, 'cos it would break my heart. I …." I cut of her words with a soft, lingering kiss on her lips. My hands cupped her face, pulling her in for more. _ I could never let her go again_.  
On that spot, with Sam's lips on mine and her arms around my waist, that _this_ was the best decision I ever made.


End file.
